The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Frightening Thing That Gets Joseph Gordon-Levitt Going Of The Day: The Fraggle Rock movie
Joseph Gordon-Levitt will produce and star in a live-action Fraggle Rock movie. Apparently, the film’s been in the works for nearly a decade, just like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Gordon-Levitt has a lot to say about it now that he’s involved. “Jim Henson’s characters make you laugh and sing, but they’re also layered, surprising, and wise,” he says. Not unlike you, my dear Joseph. I am laughing and singing as I type these very words! “From Oscar the Grouch, to Yoda, to the Fraggles. I’ve never stopped loving his work, even as a young frisky man, and on into adulthood.” A young frisky man? What dark things are you trying to tell us about your feelings toward Fraggles? Joseph?
Movie I’ve Never Heard Of Of The Day: Deadpool
Deadpool, the upcoming Marvel movie about a colony of ants who live on a college campus and keep drowning in puddles of spilled Mountain Dew Code Red on their way home, has cast T.J. Miller (Silicon Valley, Big Hero 6, How To Train Your Dragon) as Weasel, Deadpool’s “support guy and best pal” who builds a bridge made of pieces of graham cracker over the Code Red, then watches in cold horror as the bridge turns to mush and everybody starts drowning again.
Sitting By The Phone Of The Day: Jessica Chastain
John Madden, director of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movies, is in talks to direct Ms. Sloane, which centers on a “lobbyist who takes on the powerful gun lobby to push through federal gun control legislation.” Apparently, if he gets the job, the “first call” for the lead will be to Jessica Chastain, who co-starred in Madden’s The Debt and who is very good at playing badass women. She also notoriously loves chatting on the phone, which is why they will call her. She finds texting impersonal, so don’t ever text her.
Fully Unnecessary TV Adaptation Of the Day/Hour: The Brothers Grimm
Fun fact: Every time an angel gets its wings, a movie is optioned for TV. Miramax is turning Terry Gilliam’s The Brothers Grimm into a TV show, because TV is the future and movies will be extinct in approximately one year. It’ll build off the origin story introduced in the movie, following “the swashbuckling adventures of brothers Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm, who discover startling mythological and supernatural stakes behind the folklore that swept 19th century Europe.” According to The Playlist, Miramax has been trying to “breathe new life” into its catalog for years, toying with sequels and TV shows for Shakespeare In Love (feel like that concluded pretty well), Bridget Jones’ Diary (PLEASE), Shall We Dance (please no), and The Amityville Horror (hm, okay.) This marks the second Terry Gilliam TV adaptation; the first, SyFy’s 12 Monkeys, builds on the origin story of the mischievous, hotel-dwelling orangutan first introduced in Gilliam’s Dunston Checks In.
Stop It With The Steampunk Of The Day: Crash Ryan adaptation
Ryan Heppe has acquired the rights to Marvel Comics series Crash Ryan, which takes place in an alternate 1935 in a “world of super airplanes and giant flying airports.” Sounds like the 1935 I remember, but okay. Crash Ryan is a “pilot caught up in the battle between the heroic United Airmen and the forces of evil, led by a masked world conqueror who calls himself ‘The Doom.’ ” The new version will reinvent the story as an “earthbound, steampunk-inspired fusion of Indiana Jones and Star Wars.’ ” I am going to hereby request that we stop rebranding things as “steampunk.” Not everything can be steampunk because not everybody looks good in metallics.
Too Good To Be Real Of The Day: Sofia Coppola’s Christmas special
George Clooney, Amy Poehler, Miley Cyrus, and Maya Rudolph are all confirmed to appear in Sofia Coppola’s Christmas special, which will feature Bill Murray singing Christmas carols, just like every fever dream I’ve ever had. Back in October of last year, Murray told Variety that the special wasn’t going to be live, but instead, would be like “a little movie. It won’t have a format, but it’s going to have music. It will have texture. It will have threads through it that are writing. There will be prose…It will have a patina style and wit to it.” I don’t understand what the hell he’s talking about, but I love everything about it. Oh my God do I love it.