The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.

Most Unsuspiciously Timed Biopic Of The Day: Angela Merkel’s
Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel is getting a biopic, hopefully titled Have Merkel, written by journalist Dirk Kurbjuweit, who also wrote two books on Merkel, Merkel Rising and WWF No Merkel. It’s being set up as an international co-production, but producer Walid Nakschbandi says he’s open to a non-German playing the lead, which means it will be Jennifer Lawrence, so congrats to her. The movie’s release is planned for 2017, when Germany will have its next election, which is totally a coincidence, haha, what? Anyway, vote Merkel, or don’t, whatever!

Okay, Fine Of The Day: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2 has an animated logo
Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2 debuted an “animated logo” today, which is a nonsense thing, but which I am writing about nonetheless. It’s a 47-second video that consists of a rotating, burning mockingjay set to the sounds of classic lines from the previous Hunger Games movies, like “Help!” and “I hope you have good luck in the Reaping today.” The movie debuts Nov. 20, about a year before America’s next elections, because The Hunger Games is really just a very long, fearmongering ad campaign designed to dissuade voters from choosing Donald Sutherland as president.  

Person I Am Happy For Of The Day: Gina Rodriguez 
Jane The Virgin’s Gina Rodriguez has landed the lead opposite Mark Wahlberg in Peter Berg’s Deepwater Horizon, which chronicles the 2010 BP oil spill and will mark her studio film debut. Wahlberg will play Mike Williams, “an electrician aboard the doomed oil rig” and Rodriguez will play Andrea Fleytas, who was “helping to operate the oil rig’s sophisticated navigation machinery when she noticed a glaring oversight—that no one had issued a distress signal to the outside world. She grabbed the radio and attempted to contact the Coast Guard, for which she was reprimanded.” Reprimanding people for contacting the Coast Guard is just the kind of thing that will happen preeeetty regularly once we elect Sutherland, just saying. 

Re-Re-Re-Remake Of The Day: Scarface
Universal is producing another remake of Scarface, by the writer of Straight Outta Compton. According to The Hollywood Reporter, it will be “set in Los Angeles and explore an immigrant’s rise in the criminal underworld”; in other words, it will be filmed entirely underwater in 3-D, feature a lot of slow-mo death scenes set to some fun island beats, and renamed Deadpool. Pablo Lorrain will direct. Don’t call it a comeback. No, really, don’t, it’s a remake. 

Young Boy Who Might Disappear Forever Of The Day: Oliver Platt
Oliver Platt and “four others” (who cares, if they aren’t Oliver Platt!) have joined Shut In, which is already filming and already starring Naomi Watts. Farren Blackburn is directing the script, which centers on a “widowed child psychologist [Watts] who lives an isolated existence in rural New England. Caught in a deadly winter storm, she must find a way to rescue a young boy before he disappears forever.” I thought she was isolated? Anyway, the movie will be released just in time for shut-in Christmas, on February 19, 2016.

Most Insane People Of The Day: Dane DeHaan and Tatiana Maslany 
Dane DeHaan and Tatiana Maslany have been cast in Two Lovers And A Bear. They’ll play Roman and Lucy, “two young adults fighting the elements and their inner demons as they fall in love in a small North Pole town.” The flick will film in Canada’s Arctic, which is so confusing to me, coming off of a Chicago winter, that I have almost lost all respect for everyone involved. This movie is clearly a fantasy, because nobody would ever fall in love in the North Pole, as 1) it’s too cold, and cold breeds hatred and fear 2) the North Pole isn’t real.