The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Most Delightful Thing Of The Day And Maybe Ever: Emma Thompson and Kevin Kline cast in Beauty And The Beast
Emma Thompson has been cast as Mrs. Potts in the upcoming live-action Beauty And The Beast—now set to debut in March 2017—alongside Emma Watson as Belle, Dan Stevens as The Beast (probably/please), Luke Evans as Gaston, Josh Gad as Le Fou, and me as an audience member who cannot stop singing along and who everybody hates. Kevin Kline has also signed on to play Maurice, Belle’s adorable, smushed father who invents machines that chop wood in an overly complex fashion. Many questions remain: Will Emma Thompson dress up as a teapot? Will she voice some kind of uncanny CGI teapot? Or is she so perfectly classy and English that she is able to morph into a teapot at will? Will they smush Kevin Kline? Is expressing coherent thoughts so, so hard right now because my brain thinks it’s 4 a.m.?
Man and His “Murdered Girlfriend Shelley” Of The Day: Jack Huston and Jessica Brown Findlay in The Crow remake
The Crow remake has been plagued by production delays, cast and director shifts, and its own wild hubris, at one time believing it might actually attract the firm jaw that is Bradley Cooper. The Crow was flying too close to the sun, you see, much like Icarus, and the thousands of actual crows who have died from flying too close to the sun. Now, the film’s swooped back down to Earth, settled comfortably on the branch of reality, and managed its expectations, like all crows must eventually (unless they want to burn to death; see above). The original comic’s creator, James O’Barr, confirmed at the Lexington Comic and Toy Convention that the film has cast Jack Huston and Jessica Brown Findlay as Eric Draven and his “murdered girlfriend Shelley,” respectively.
Subject Too Terrifying To Explore When Tired Of The Day: Captive
In my humble and torpidly jet-lagged opinion, there is nothing more terrifying than a) elevators in general, b) the idea of being attacked unawares by a friend’s primate pet that they thought they had tamed, and c) stories of women being kidnapped and held captive. Which is why I am not, just not, going to Google “Ashley Smith” and refresh my memory on the true story behind Captive, an upcoming rom-com acquired by Paramount that will star Kate Mara as a woman who is kidnapped and held captive by David Oyelowo. Here’s a synopsis from Deadline: “The pic centers on Ashley Smith, a single mom who struggles to overcome her drug addiction to regain custody of her daughter. But she is taken hostage by an escaped, quadruple murderer. Ashley’s only defenses: faith in God, a love for her daughter, and the book A Purpose Driven Life, parts of which she reads aloud to her captor during the harrowing ordeal. This leads to an epiphany for both Ashley and the convict.” The pen is mightier than the sword! Must remember to carry inspirational tomes with me at all times in case of any criminal activity.
Dubious Battle Of The Day: Me versus James Franco’s In Dubious Battle
Nat Wolff has joined the cast of James Franco’s self-indulgence I mean filmic adaptation of Steinbeck’s In Dubious Battle. In an impressive display of restraint from Franco, Wolff will play the lead, Jim Nolan, an activist who is “organizing a major strike by apple pickers in California.” Do you like apples (as much as Jim Nolan)? How do you like them apples: The rest of the cast includes Franco, Selena Gomez, Vincent D’Onofrio, Robert Duvall, Ed Harris, and Bryan Cranston. How do you like them apples: Can we still make this joke or did Good Will Hunting do it too well? Please advise.
Worst Starship Of The Day: The one that totally blew off a marooned astronaut in The Stars My Destination
Jordan Vogt-Roberts, who broke out with The Kings Of Summer and is currently working on the King Kong movie Skull Island, is in talks to direct The Stars My Destination, Paramount’s adaptation of the 1957 sci-fi tale by Alfred Bester that does not have anything to do with kings, probably. The story “tells of a man who is marooned in space after his ship is attacked and everyone else killed. When a passing starship ignores his distress beacon, it sets the man on a Count of Monte Cristo-like journey to get revenge.” Makes sense; I speak from experience when I say that revenge is best served in space. Very easy to catch people off guard there.
Another Sad Thing Of The Day: Gizelle’s Bucket List
In other bleak, true-story-adaptation news that will make you want to reread the first Newsie over and over again and imagine Emma Thompson singing to you as a piece of sentient china, OddLot has picked up Gizelle’s Bucket List, based on the tale of Lauren Fern Watt, a 25-year-old New Yorker, and her English Mastiff Gizelle. Earlier this year, when Watt found out her dog had terminal bone cancer, “she set out to take him on a series of special adventures in his final few months.” The two “canoed, went to Times Square, found the best donuts in the world, sat on the beach in winter and people-watched in Washington Square Park.” What? I’m not crying, I’m just tired and got a lot of lemons in my eyes and then stared directly at crows flying into the sun for a few days.
Old Dudes Doing Cool Shit Of The Day: Martin Scorsese filming Grateful Dead shows
This summer, the Grateful Dead will play the “Fare Thee Well” festival, a trio of sold-out concerts, over July 4 weekend at Soldier Field in Chicago. Why Chicago? What the fuck do you mean, why Chicago? Fine, because it was the last place that the band played before Jerry Garcia died. The Daily Beast reports exclusively and weirdly that Martin Scorsese will film all three shows. Why Scorsese? Because he loves the fucking Grateful Dead! Can you just let Marty live? Okay, fine, it’s because he’s producing Amir Bar Lev’s forthcoming documentary on the band, Deadpool.