The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Hopefully This Is A Real Thing Of The Day: “Salvage consultant” in The Deep Blue Good-by
Rosamund Pike is in talks to star in The Deep Blue Good-by opposite Christian Bale. The pic is based on John D. MacDonald’s novel, which is the first in a series of 21 books that follow Travis McGee (Bale), a “self-described ‘salvage consultant’ who recovers others’ property for a fee and along the way gets into trouble fighting bad guys and wooing women.” There are 21 books about this?! Wow, way to make us normal writers, who’ve only written 16 books, feel like total shit, MacDonald. Also, is “salvage consultant” a real thing? Can one of those help me find my old phone? I had some good photos on there, so.
Wholly Unfunny But Great Thing Of The Day: Meryl Streep narrating a documentary about women’s health in Africa
Meryl Streep, who, besides being a teen sensation, is also apparently a wonderful, philanthropic human being, will narrate the feature documentary Shout Gladi Gladi, co-directed by Adam Friedman and Iain Kennedy. The film will be shot in Africa in collaboration with Ann Gloag’s Freedom From Fistula Foundation, which provides free surgeries for fistulas, an obstetric condition Variety describes as a “debilitating” and which inordinately affects women in Kenya, Malawi, and Sierra Leone. Melinda Gates and Nobel Peace laureate Wole Soyinka will also make appearances. There is nothing I can riff on here that wouldn’t make me look like a dick, so please move along.
Third Overachiever Of The Day: Joy Mangano
Virginia Madsen has signed on for Joy, David O. Russell’s forthcoming biopic of Miracle Mop inventer Joy Mangano. Because this is a David O. Russell movie, Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, and Robert De Niro are also on board; Lawrence will play the titular character, who began inventing things at a young age while also raising three children as a single mom. Each Newsie I write today has me feeling even more underachieving; must have children, invent revolutionary cleaning device, write 21 books, lend my voice to a philanthropic documentary, and find my old phone immediately.
Don’t Call It A Comeback Of The Day: Will Smith
On Jimmy Kimmel Live, Will Smith confessed that he’d like to make every day like a Mardi Gras, everybody party all day, no work, all play, okay? “I’ve been thinking about doing some music again, I’ve been having fun,” he said, to raucous applause from the audience and from me, right now. But his kids, Jaden and Willow—who, relatedly, are outside of their minds, but also making music that’s not too bad—are making fun of him for using “black-and-white composition pads” to write, insisting that he use his iPhone instead, like Drake does. An aghast Will asserts that a large part of his creative process depends on putting pen to paper. Which raises the question: In the near future, after the A.I. apocalypse, as we’re rebuilding our paperless, pen-free society and learning to live quietly under the reign of robots, how will Will Smith create? Will we be deprived of his fresh rhymes? Why is the march of time so rapid and cruel? How can we stop it?
Depressing Synopsis Of The Day: Circus Mirandus
Stone Village Productions have acquired the film and TV rights to Cassie Beasley’s debut novel Circus Mirandus, a “magic-themed story” that follows “Micah Tuttle and his friend Jenny, who set off on an adventure to find the mysterious Circus Mirandus and its greatest magician in an effort to save Micah’s dying grandfather.” Well, I’m crying, how about you guys? Does anybody want to talk about things that aren’t death or disease or the unstoppable sentience of technology that will render Will Smith voiceless? How about Deadpool? Do you guys think that movie will be fabulous?