The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Quirkiest Thing Of The Day: Richard Linklater to direct Where’d You Go Bernadette, Maybe
Richard Linklater, known for Boyhood, the Before trilogy, and having the chillest red-carpet grin of all time, is in talks to direct Where’d You Go Bernadette for Annapurna Pictures. The movie is based on Maria Semple’s 2012 bestseller, which “unfolds in its own quirky way, via emails, letters, F.B.I. documents, correspondence with a psychiatrist, and a bill for an energy room visit involving the titular character.” I suppose that’s quirky. The plot centers on “an agoraphobic architect and mother named Bernadette Branch who goes missing prior to a family trip to Antarctica.” Actually, I totally feel Bernadette on this one; family trips are difficult enough without the added stress of “going to Antarctica” for “fun.” Her family must hate her if they’re taking her to a bleak, frigid tundra and calling it a vacation. I’m sorry your family hates you, Bernadette.
Making A Real Movie! Of The Day: Henry Cavill
Simon West (Con Air, The Expendables 2) has signed on to direct Henry Cavill in thriller Stratton. The movie is based on the first of eight novels by ex-Special-Boat-Service operative Duncan Falconer. It’ll follow Cavill as he and his team “risk life, limb and national security to track down an international terrorist cell.” Cavill, sounding as youthful as a freshly captured Snapchat, says, “We plan to convert the books to cinema as accurately as possible while keeping them topical. Simon West is a perfect match for this movie with his ability to marry storytelling and action, both of which are essential to do this project justice! [exclamation point his]” Yes, my dear, sweet, eager young Henry. Marrying storytelling and action is a solid idea.
Threadbare News Item Of The Day: Ben Hardy set to play “who knows?”, but def. not Cyclops, in X-Men: Apocalypse
We have officially reached peak not-news, people. How’s everybody feeling? Ben Hardy, of the presumably very British show EastEnders, is “in talks” for a “key, as-yet-undisclosed role” in X-Men: Apocalypse. Hardy was among those who tested to play Cyclops, the role that eventually went to Tye Sheridan, which should make for an on-set experience not unlike a family trip to Antarctica: filled with tense smiles and premeditated murder.
Worst Way To Travel Of The Day: On the inaugural voyage of something
Brandon Routh of Superman Returns and Zhang YuQui of White Deer Plain (my favorite type of sandwich), will star in the “multinational sci-fi thriller” Lost In The Pacific. Vincent Zhou of Last Flight (coincidentally, the last time I ate that white deer sandwich; never eat airplane deer) will direct the pic, which tells the story of a “futuristic Titanic in the sky” and its “group of elite passengers on board 2020’s inaugural luxury, transoceanic flight.” When will we learn to never go on the inaugural voyage of anything? And to never eat exotic meat on planes?
Most High-Maintenance Animated Character Of The Day: Anna in “Frozen Fever”
A new Frozen short, “Frozen Fever,” which is what happens to me when I think about traveling to Antarctica with a large group of people I’m related to, will play before Cinderella in theaters in March. A trailer for the short released today finds Elsa (Adele Dazeem), Olaf (Josh Gad), and Kristoff (Jonathan Groff) prepping to celebrate Anna’s (Kristen Bell) birthday. The level of stress they’re experiencing in planning the party is off the charts, for reasons unclear, as they’re not in Antarctica but in a completely made-up town. Apparently Mariah Carey’s, I mean, Anna’s party must be perfect, or everybody will have to sacrifice a limb to appease the Ice Gods. Will Anna’s party be super fun, or will everybody have to plan her next party with only one arm? You’ll have to see Cinderella to find out.
Coolest Hiding Place Of The Day: Dominic West’s private jet
Dominic West (The Affair) has signed on to star opposite George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and Jack O’Connell in Money Monster, directed by Jodie Foster. Clooney plays a “Jim Cramer-type host of a stock investment show who makes a bad call on a hot stock.” In return, a “disgruntled investor storms his studio with a gun in front of a live audience, and threatens to kill him if the stock price of the now-beaten-down stock doesn’t return to previous levels.” Whatever, dude, at least Clooney didn’t fuck up your birthday party. West will play the CEO of the company that goes under after its stock is touted, who “tries to hide away in his private jet when the hostage situation unfolds, and it becomes clear that he is complicit in the company’s failure.” Julia Roberts has a small part as the titular monster, who was built in a lab using only $2 bills, setting up the character’s forthcoming stint as the villain in Deadpool.
Cutest Pair Of Honeys Of The Day: Adam DeVine and Zac Efron
Adam DeVine (Workaholics, Pitch Perfect) has landed the lead role opposite Zac Efron in the upcoming Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates. It’s based on the true story of Mike and Dave Stangle, brothers from Albany, New York, who attempted to find a wedding date for a cousin’s nuptials through a Craigslist ad. The movie version “sees the hard-partying and immature brothers posting an ad for dates and coming across a pair of honeys [wtf] who can out-party and out-immature our slovenly heroes.” This pair of party-obsessed honeys is actually Anna and Elsa from Frozen, who love weddings, but only if they are perfect!!! Keep an eye on your limbs, Adam and Zac.