The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Happiest Hotel Guest Of The Day: You, at the Godzilla hotel
You know the drill: You check into a hotel, get to your room, put your bag down, take a shower, order room service and smear it all over the walls, then settle down for a long slumber, wishing desperately but foolishly that when you woke, a giant Godzilla head would be installed outside your window, grinning at you. Well, it’s everyone’s lucky day forever: The 30-story Hotel Gracery, based in the Shinjuku district of Tokyo, will open in April, and for just $334 a night—or $33.4 million for 100,000 nights—you can stay in its Godzilla Room, which features a large Godzilla statue and a massive monster hand that will helpfully hover over you as you sleep. Too steep a price for perfection? The Guardian helpfully points out that “if you can't afford that, there is plenty of kaiju to go around elsewhere. An enormous Godzilla head will protrude from the top of the hotel, which sits above the Toho cinema, for example.” For just $125 a night, you can stay in a room that overlooks said enormous Godzilla head. Just be sure to sleep with one eye open because this hotel sounds fucked up.
Age Of Ultron Update Of The Day: Idris Elba, Anthony Mackie, and Hayley Atwell confirmed
Idris Elba, Anthony Mackie, and Hayley Atwell have been confirmed as cast members in Avengers: Age Of Ultron. Somebody figured this out by zooming in very close on a poster, which is the movie-speculation-industry’s equivalent of dangerous detective work, and I applaud this person for his or her bravery. Mackie will reprise his role as the Falcon, Atwell will play Agent Peggy Carter, Idris Elba will play Heimdall, and Anthony Mackie’s significant other will be making a lot of sandwiches, presumably, as Mackie works.
Can I Hug You Of The Day: Michael Keaton
Another intrepid fan of the motion-picture industry, presumably watching the Oscars ceremony at home over and over again, crying silently into an empty Chipotle burrito bowl (no, just me then?), caught something bleak on screen: Michael Keaton pulling out his speech as his name’s announced for the Best Actor category, hearing Eddie Redmayne’s win, and non-surreptitiously jamming the speech back into his pocket. I haven’t wanted to hug Michael Keaton this hard since Multiplicity. This must be what Green Day foretold when they sang of the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Three English Things Of The Day: Timothy Spall, Juno Temple, and the seaside town of Blackpool
Timothy Spall, best known for his recent turn(er) in Mr. Turner, and Juno Temple, best known for naming herself after a character from the Disney Channel Original Movie Zenon: Girl Of The 21st Century, are set to star in Away, a solemn look at the storied history of AOL Instant Messenger and the proliferation of vague, indie-lyric-ridden away messages in the early aughts. Actually it’s about two “kindred spirits who form an unlikely friendship in [a] drama about love, loss and hope set in the north English seaside town of Blackpool.” I suppose that synopsis doesn’t rule out an AIM-based script, though. Perhaps they form said unlikely friendship via AIM? Do people still use AIM in Blackpool? What was your AIM screen name? Mine was SVUGirl, for real.
Worst Fast Of The Day: Kyle Chandler and Casey Affleck
Kyle Chandler has joined Casey Affleck in Kenneth Lonergan’s Manchester By The Sea. The film centers on, according to The Hollywood Reporter, a “ne-er-do-well plumber (Affleck) in Boston who is forced to return home to the titular town after he learns his older brother (Chandler) has passed away. There, he finds himself thrust into the care of his brother's 16-year-old son, but finds himself crumbling due to a secret tragedy in his fast.” I assume THR meant “past”—because they’ve since fixed the typo to that—but I’m going to stick with “fast” for the purposes of this Newsie, because imagining a ne’er-do-well plumber who goes on a fast and then discovers a secret tragedy within it (hunger, perhaps?) is too incredible to give up. I’m assuming Chandler’s dead character will either appear in flashbacks, as a ghost, or in hallucinations to Affleck’s character as he tries valiantly to complete the Beyonce Cleanse.
Copping Marvel The Day: Joshua Marston’s “untitled English-language feature”
Kathy Bates and Danny Glover are joining Rachel Weisz and Michael Shannon in director Joshua Marston’s first English-language feature. The movie doesn’t have an official title yet, but I’m hearing rumors that it’s Deadpool. No relation to the other Deadpool; just a weird coincidence. It’s too late to change either title, so. The only other real detail we have—outside of the fact that the movie’s 1) in English and 2) does not star Ryan Reynolds—is that Weisz portrays “a guest introduced at a dinner party hosted by Shannon’s character, who increasingly believes he knows the guest by a different name and different biography [Ryan Reynolds, star of the other Deadpool].”
Oldest Drug Mule Of The Day: 87-year-old Leo Sharp
The Judge screenwriter Nick Schenk has been hired to adapt Sam Dolnicks’ New York Times Magazine article “The Sinaloa Cartel’s 90-Year-Old Drug Mule” into the only drug that people can easily smuggle onto planes (a movie!). The pic will follow “Leo Sharp, an award-winning horticulturist who secretly spent years working as one of the most trusted drug courier for Mexico’s powerful Sinaloa cartel. Sharp was 87 when he was arrested in 2011 for transporting hundreds of kilos of cocaine to drug dealers in and around Detroit.” I do appreciate and applaud Leo’s unconventional career choices in a world that would prefer he stick to award-winning horticulture and napping.