The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Fallen On Hard Times Of The Day: The Oscars
An estimated 36.6 million people watched the Academy Awards last night, which sounds like a lot, but in terms of how many people currently populate the Earth, is really just a drop in a bucket, a needle in a haystack, an overcooked lentil in a roiling whirlpool. The number marks a 16 percent drop from last year’s Oscar viewership, and is the lowest since 2009, when Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture, 36.3 million people watched the show, and only a select few of us were afraid of John Travolta’s rogue hands. Alternately, last year’s show had the largest audience since 2000, thanks to Ellen DeGeneres’ radiant charm and inherent ability to not beat dead horses (with briefcases).
Person Who Has Joined The Snowden Cast Of The Day: Nicolas Cage
Nicolas Cage has joined the cast of Oliver Stone’s Snowden, the prequel to Deadpool that tells the tale of an inclement summer blizzard that shut down the local pool for several weeks and forced Edward Snowden’s parents to hole up in a cabin, fall in love, conceive young Edward, then get bored and embark on a casual killing spree during their downtime from lifeguarding. Cage will play the role of a former U.S. intelligence officer and will probably get angry to the point of raising his voice.
Doing Two Things Of The Day: Gal Gadot
Women: They really can have it all! Gal Gadot is in negotiations for Keeping Up With The Joneses, directed by Greg Mottola and written by Michael LeSieur. She’ll join Jon Hamm, Zach Galifianakis, and Isla Fisher in the flick, which is set in “a quiet, suburban cul de sac”—as opposed to the overdone trope of the raucous suburban street that goes in a straight line—that’s “turned upside down when an unfulfilled married couple begins to suspect that there’s something nefarious afoot with their sexy and charismatic new neighbors.” (Spoiler alert: Their neighbors are the murderous, sexy, charismatic, sometime-lifeguards the Snowdens). For her second thing, Gadot will begin shooting Wonder Woman this fall under director Michelle MacLaren, set for release in 2017. Yes, that’s two years lead time, because women do not fuck around.
Steven Spielberg and My Biggest Crush Of The Day: Chris Pratt
We reported some time ago—80 years, in Newsies time—that Chris Pratt was being eyed for an Indiana Jones reboot. Turns out ol’ Steven Spielberg has already expressed that he wants to direct this movie, which, so far, is not at all a thing. There’s not even a script, my boy Steve. Let’s all just calm down, write Chris Pratt’s name in bubble letters in the sand a few times, and work on our other massive Chris Pratt-starring franchise, kay? Pratt himself gave a hedging answer—in the same tone that Mandy Patinkin likely takes when turning down crazed fans’ marriage proposals (not that I would know)—when MTV asked him about the possible role on the red carpet last night: “The pressure would come because it’s such a great franchise, and you wouldn’t want to get it wrong. It would have to be perfect to do it, you know what I mean?” Spielberg, do you know what he means? Pratt added, “It’s nothing until it’s something,” which is really a beautiful way to sum up life in general. I get it, Steven. I do.
Kids Return The Darndest Relics Of The Day: The Giant Under The Snow
Michael Caton Jones—whose past credits include Scandal, This Boy’s Life, Beyond The Gates, and that great American nightmare, Basic Instinct 2—is set to direct The Giant Under The Snow, an epic, live-action and CGI fantasy based on the children’s novel by John Gordon and also on Edward Snowden’s conception. The movie is “set one snowy Christmas, when three children find a rusted old relic [the Oscars? Thank you, thank you] that contains a terrifying power, plunging them into a dark world of ancient magic and inexorable evil.” There’s more: “In a race against time, the children must return the relic to its rightful owner as whoever possesses the relic can wake the legendary giant under the snow and use him as a force for good or evil.” Why not just keep the relic and, I don’t know, use it to wake up the giant and have him make you giant pancakes, or a giant cardboard box to play with? I don’t understand kids.