The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Subtlest Artistic Statement Of The Day: Plastic Jesus
Art is elusive by nature, open to multiple interpretations and engendering a variety of emotional responses. This is especially true of the work of Plastic Jesus, an anonymous street artist who created a life-sized version of an Oscar statue, bent over and snorting cocaine, engraved “Hollywood’s Best Party” underneath it, and placed it on Hollywood Boulevard days before the ceremony. It’s a multifaceted and complex statement piece, one that requires much thoughtful parsing. Some think it’s a way of drawing attention to Hollywood’s rampant drug use, others think it’s a way of drawing attention to Hollywood’s rampant drug use. I’m personally of the opinion that it’s an incisive sendup of Hollywood’s tendency to turn unsuspecting humans into gilded coffee tables.
Overdue Recognition Of The Day: Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep, whom you may recognize as the mother of Amanda Seyfried in Mamma Mia!, as the Storyteller of the Rabbit Ears series, and as Aunt Esme Dauterive from King Of The Hill, finally hit it big this year with a juicy role in Into The Woods, the musical version of Deadpool that sees Streep as an eccentric hobo who drags baby pools into forests and deflates them with her teeth. Her work in the movie hasn’t gone unrecognized—she’s just been nominated a Kids Choice Award for Favorite Villain [Hobo]. Streep is from New Jersey, which is full of kids and movie theaters, explaining her massive youthful fan base.
This Is The Apocalypse, It’s Here, Of The Day: There will be a Drybar movie
We’ve all stared blankly into the mirror while blow-drying our hair and thought, “Wow, this is cinematic.” Turns out our instincts were right: Universal is developing a movie about DryBar, a “high-end haircare franchise” (or, in layman’s terms, “a blow-dry bar you go to when you are pretending to be in a second-act rom-com makeover montage”). Siblings Alli Webb and Michael Landau, co-founders of the enterprise, are setting up the project with Devil Wears Prada and Twilight producer Karen Rosenfelt. It’ll be a “coming of age story set in the high-end salon world” that “follows a young woman who, with no business experience, and the help of her brother, defied everyone’s expectations to create the DryBar franchise.” She also had 15 years under her belt as a professional stylist, but whatevs. The point is, we all said she couldn’t do it. “You have no business experience, and only one brother!” we shrieked.
Shhhhhh Of The Day: Jared Leto
I loved Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano in My So Called Life more than I can accurately express here in the Newsies, which, unlike the work of Plastic Jesus, are limited in their emotional scope. But never has the real-life version of a character disappointed me more than Jared Leto, who makes casually offensive remarks about transgender people on live TV and has stupid hair YEAH I SAID IT. Jared Leto talked to Billboard this week and told the pub his iteration of the Joker in the forthcoming Suicide Squad movie will be “nearly Shakespearean.” “That’s what graphic novels and comic books are becoming, right?” Leto said. No, Jared Leto. No. I don’t even…Oh wait, here’s worse: “Do you mind if I eat a little? I’m trying to gain a lot of weight,” he asked his interview. “It means I have to eat every couple of hours—and I’m terrible at eating a lot.” He said this while eating vegan tacos.
Palate Cleanser (From The Fattening Vegan Tacos) Of The Day: Kelly Reichardt casting news
Laura Dern, Jared Harris (a better Jared, to be sure), and James Le Gros have joined Kelly Reichardt’s “untitled indie drama” starring Michelle Williams. New details: The pic will be based on short stories by Maile Meloy, and is scheduled to shoot in spring in Montana. It’s not yet clear whether Reichardt will require anybody to lose or gain weight for the shoot, and whether Dern, Harris, Le Gros and Williams a) are terrible at eating a lot b) think comic books are Shakespeare c) enjoy vegan tacos.
Not Anastasia Steele Of The Day: Danielle Steel
Not to be outdone by E.L. James—who has bastardized and sullied the good name of literary erotica—the OG of vagina euphemisms, Danielle Steel, has inked a deal with Paradigm to develop original material for TV and film projects. The agency will “mine her extensive catalog” (buy her dinner first, am I right?!), which includes a very large number of books that isn’t specified in Deadline’s tiny article. The piece does note that “at least one” of those books was on the New York Times bestseller list for 381 weeks, but doesn’t say which one, or clarify if more than one made it that far. It’s yet another (unsexy; do I have to clarify this forever from now on, or?) slap in the face for Steel, who spent years coming up with ways to say “dick” without ever saying “dick” and now has to watch E.L. James reap the rewards.