The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Best News Ever Of The Day: The all-female Ghostbusters has been cast
Could it be? Paul Feig’s all-female Ghostbusters reboot finally has a cast. Melissa McCarthy has been confirmed as a star, and The Hollywood Reporter reports that Kristen Wiig and SNL’s Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon are in talks with the studio, and expected to confirm shortly. This news comes after months of speculation and late-night hand-wringing (just me?)—while the movie was first conceived by director Ivan Reitman as a reboot with the original cast, Reitman dropped out after Harold Ramis passed away last year. Feig soon reimagined it as a female-centric remake, Katie Dippold agreed to pen the script, and the world rejoiced. I genuinely can’t think of four women I’d rather hang out and hunt ghosts with than Wiig, Jones, McKinnon, and the notoriously ghost-hatin’ Melissa McCarthy. Sorry, all of my female friends and family members.
Most Optimistic People Of The Day: The cast of the “holiday comedy” Let It Snow
Ah, the holiday comedy. Though undoubtedly many classics populate the genre, in recent years, many have tried to infuse it with new life, and many have failed. (Arnold Schwarzenegger has really, really failed.) But God bless these Hollywood folk—they beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the cringeworthy, Christmas-comedy past. A group of our bravest soldiers—Alan Arkin, John Goodman, Ed Helms, Diane Keaton, Anthony Mackie, Amanda Seyfried, June Squibb, Marisa Tomei, and Olivia Wilde—have signed on to star in CBS Films’ Let It Snow, previously titled The Most Wonderful Time, which is pretty much on par with Let It Snow, but I’m just glad they’re giving this some thought. The film will follow—wait for it— “the exasperated members of an extended family as they attempt to gather for their annual holiday celebration.” So, something new. That’s good. I Am Sam’s Jessie Nelson will direct from a screenplay by P.S. I Love You’s Steven Rogers for the film, which will be released November 13 and hopefully prove my Scrooge-worthy predictions wrong.
Best Use Of Peanut Butter Of The Day: Akiva Goldsman’s Stephanie
The well-bearded Frank Grillo will star in Akiva Goldsman’s forthcoming horror film Stephanie, about a young girl who’s abandoned by her parents and survives on a diet of peanut butter and pluck. Is it just me, or does that sound like the best thing ever? As a young girl, I would’ve enjoyed nothing more than raising myself in an empty house, singing Grease into hairbrushes, and changing in and out of a steady stream of spangly leggings while surviving on spoonfuls of chunky Jif. Oh, wait. Little Stephanie is also loomed over by supernatural forces, and apparently when her parents come back to get her, those supernatural forces are like, “Um, this is our child and our peanut butter.” I now see the problem with this lifestyle.
Most Misleading Two-Word Summary Of A Movie Of The Day: “Diving adventure” The Bends
Continuing the trend of Hollywood actresses with red-hot careers signing on for movies about diving deep into the ocean, Gone Girl’s Oscar-nominated lead Rosamund Pike is attached to star in The Bends, which The Hollywood Reporter is billing as a “diving adventure.” A diving adventure! Sounds fun, right? No. This will not be a fun movie. First of all, I can’t really get on the same level as anybody who dives deeper than 10 feet (okay, really two feet) without falling into an existential panic from which they’ll never recover. Who are you, and how did you turn out this way? Please tell me? Second of all, The Bends—which will also star The Killing’s Joel Kinnaman—centers on a “mysterious discovery at the bottom of the ocean that reopens old issues for a former combat Marine who is working to pay off his debt to the mob.” In case you’re keeping track, there are at least four ominous things happening in that sentence. So just manage your expectations accordingly.
Coolest Kid At School Of The Day Who Doesn’t Even Care About Popularity, Man: Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt has nailed the art of being a self-aware leading man, an action hero who knows how silly action heroes are and nails the part anyway, the popular quarterback who doesn’t care much for football but is just so damn good at it and whose dad wants him to get a full football scholarship but who just wants to read Rilke and make meta jokes about the expectations of manhood. This is why Disney likely wants him to revive the Indiana Jones franchise. According to Deadline, Disney has “set their sights” on the actor to play the swashbuckling fossil fiend; when pressed, the Mouse House wouldn’t comment on whether this is true. In other words, Disney just passed Pratt’s best friend a note in the cafeteria that says, “Do you like me? Circle one: Yes/No,” but when confronted about the note by anybody but Pratt, Disney will punch that person in the face and run away, crying, into the woods. Pratt, it’s your (smooth, thoughtful, self-aware) move.
Attractive Youths Getting Jobs Of The Day: Dave Franco and Emma Roberts
Dave Franco, not to be confused with his brother, Marina Abramovic fanboy James Franco, is set to star in the young-adult thriller Nerve with Emma Roberts. Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, Paranormal Activity directors and noted Nev Schulman apologists, have signed on to direct the movie, which is based on a novel and “follows a high-school senior who finds herself immersed in an online game of truth or dare, where her every move starts to become manipulated by an anonymous community of ‘watchers.’ ” Sounds like the life of an Internet writer, am I right, y’all?! Just kidding, I love all of you and our never-ending truth-or-dare matches.
More Casting (About) Of The Day: Colin Firth as an amateur sailor
Are you ready for more movies about the raging sea and its dark, unexplored depths, matched only by the dark, unexplored depths of our own souls? Me neither, but here we are. The Theory Of Everything’s James Marsh will direct a movie based on the true story of Donald Crowhurst, an amateur sailor (uh-oh) who attempted to win the first round of the World Yacht Race in 1968. Spoiler alert: This does not go well for him. Colin Firth will star as Crowhurst, which is great news for Colin-Firth-in-wet-white-shirt enthusiasts around the world, but bad news for Colin-Firth-in-wet-white-shirt enthusiasts who thought this movie was going to be sexy and fun.