I’ve always imagined that kidnapping someone would be, above all else, a logistically complex undertaking. There’s a lot to consider: When you’ll do it, what you’ll wear to convincingly blend in with native wildlife, what kind of board games you’ll play with your hostage in your downtime together. But the new trailer for Kidnapping Mr. Heineken, based on the real-life 1980s kidnapping of Alfred “Freddy” Heineken, has officially put me off kidnapping in favor of naps forever. There’s so much to figure out! It’s exhausting to watch.
In the two-minute trailer alone, the soon-to-be kidnappers (played by Sam Worthington, Jim Sturgess, Ryan Kwanten, Mark van Eeuwen, and Tom Cocquerel) have to worry about how they’ll stop being miserable (by getting into organized crime), what organized crime to get into (kidnapping), who they want to kidnap (Mr. Heineken, the heir of the beer empire, played by Anthony Hopkins), how much prep-time they’ll need (“months”), how they’ll do it (by pulling him into a sketchy van while wearing ski masks—classic, guys!), how they’ll make sure the cops look in the wrong direction (by distracting them with shiny, shiny toys), where they’ll find a magical safe house to hide Heineken (looks like it’s a… barn/recording studio?), how to find military-grade weapons (unclear how this happens), and how much they’ll charge for Heineken’s release ($60 million, which seems like a very reasonable amount). I’m very stressed out right now, and relieved I opted out of this career path. Watch for yourself; if you’re not tired by the end, congrats, organized crime is the job for you!
The trail of the tape:
Title: Kidnapping Mr. Heineken
Director: Daniel Alfredson
Screenwriters: William Brookfield, Peter R. de Vries
Cast: Anthony Hopkins, Sam Worthington, Jim Sturgess, Ryan Kwanten, Jemima West, Mark van Eeuwen, Tom Cocquerel
Release date: March 6
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: “You know that what you’re doing is completely stupid.”
The entire trailer in one screengrab:
Though the kidnapping itself seems to go well, it looks like things start to unravel after the fact. (Ugh, all that planning, though!) The ransom process take longer than five days (rookie mistake: budgeting only five days for a kidnapping), and Heineken starts to get real comfortable, sussing out cracks in the kidnappers’ armor, asking them casual but incisive questions that suggest an upper hand, blowing them little kisses while chained to the wall, and calling them out when they cheat at their chosen board games. This is Hopkins at his most Hopkins-y: playing a brilliant man in captivity who outsmarts his captors and then eats them with a side of fava beans and a nice… Heineken.